Who am I? Who do I think I am?
It has been a tiring day, since waking up at 3.45am till now for thaipusam duty. There won't be a duty report on it. After getting home, I reflected back on what I did and said today while away from home, and I found out that I am still pretty much that annoying childish brat that I thought I'd thrown away. My emotions during that duty were kinda unstable. Half the day I was that kid with no sense of care in the world about what people say, and the other half I spent looking through the messages and pictures and reminiscing about the past. Questions like "If only you had learned to actually treat her as the one you love" to "If you had changed a little faster, you would be celebrating valentines' day and your 4th month, won't you? Too bad you didn't make it past the third". I still can't seem to let go of her. I don't want to just yet. I treated her coldly and I didn't even talk to her since stuff happened, but that's not because I hated her. I don't hate her. I just haven't come out from the rock that I've been hiding under. Its like a big tree. Though the leaves, branches and trunk has been cut off, the roots remain, and from the roots, maybe another tree will grow. There's something about her that just won't leave me alone. As much as it hurts me to know that she doesn't feel anything for me, I am willing to hold on for a while more.
Do remember me
Whenever you are lonely
For love, there I'll be.
Come back to me, dear
Your presence, I yearn
Will you give me a second chance?
To hold you close and take this dance
To dance among the animals and the plants
Step by step, tap-tap-tap
My hand on your waist, and your's, my shoulders
Be still, my dear
And never fear
For love is here.
It pains me to think about what we used to be before. But don't regret, don't feel guilty, don't cry. If you are reading this, you told me before once that a deeper part of you still loved me. I haven't replied you on that matter about me. Well, here it is. I still love you as much as before. I remember the photo album I created that was set for only you and me to see. As long as it is there, you know that I won't change my view on you.
Who am I? Who do I think I am?
When memories of those happy and sad times in my life return, it makes me wonder at how fast time passes. From wonder, to fear. Fear that I would be nothing in my future. Fear that my life isn't going to turn out as what I had wished for. Fear of the unknown. That's what humans fear. The Unknown. The usual advice I'd get from people is "Look to God. Cast away your fears and find rest in Him". During the beginning of the year, I was just lighting up for God. School life came back to me and I read the Bible less and less. It was from there that my faith levels are, in my point of view, smaller than mustard seeds. I only know that God is up there. Worship time in youth service is always what I look forward to. Even now. I want to change. Everytime I close my eyes, I picture a broom sweeping whatever problems away from my mind and I'd try hard to focus on God. To look to Him. But often times, I got lost. Maybe I'm doing it the wrong way. Maybe I'm not focusing hard enough. The second part may be true. I just can't put enough energy to focus on God. (Maybe I was tired. Maybe I AM tired. Not just physically. Found this out when writing this and pondering over this thought) I expected God to come and give an answer in a fraction of a second. I never did give Him the time that I had to actually listen. Maybe that is why my faith level is low. Maybe that is why I keep falling.
Who am I? Who do I think I am?
Honestly, I feel like I do not deserve Love from anyone. Times come when I feel like going to a pharmacy for some sleeping pills, looking forward to down the whole bottle at once and not wake up the next day forever. I have been sacrificing so much for the people around me that I begin to forget about how to connect to them. In other terms, I simply exist and carry on with what Life asks me to do. I don't live Life like how God asked me to. I would like to see who would actually cry real tears if I were to die. I don't count tears that are there because they're gonna miss someone who is an asset to their group. Yes, I admit I worked hard in other areas of my life. To the point where people 'materialise' me (personal feeling). Who would actually cry if I happen to die. I want to find out.
Who am I?
An insecure guy. Annoying. Hated. Used. A freak. An ass.
Who do I think I am?
That's what I want to find out.
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Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Deep Inside
Out on the surface, people might think that I've moved on from my past and depression. I act like I'm alright, I act like nothing's bothering me. Deep inside, my heart tells my brain to stop bullshitting. My brain argues back saying that it is better that I keep quiet and not bring anyone down. My heart fights back saying that I should tell at least someone, suffering alone isn't the best option. Well, the brain wins since it controls the thoughts and emotions while the bloody heart is just a muscle designed for pumping blood to all parts of the body. It's telling me to close up to the world. To change. To let other people not know about me. Change my lifestyle. Change my attitude. Look for ways to get busy so that I won't have time for any "silly emotions and thoughts" to come knocking when I'm alone. I can tell to whoever that is reading this that both my heart and brain is bullshitting. Yea, I do not want to burden anyone with my problems. Yea, I want my heart to be hardened that I may no longer get hurt. But another part of me says that I shouldn't harden my heart again. I know I do not want to be hurt. I've had enough bullshit shoved down my throat for the past 2 years. Entering its third year now. So much of it that I am glad to at least get my head above all that shit just for a couple of breaths before being shoved back in.
If I had a choice, I would prefer to re-live last year. 2011. Form 3. PMR year. There is something about it that changed my whole life. But now, its changing back. Possibly worse as I grow older. Come 18 years of age and I would be free to drink and smoke. Tempted to drink. Smoke? Heck no. There's a part of me that won't let go no matter how hard I try. It always comes back like a lost puppy. I know it's gonna get me 'killed' if I hold on too long and if the results aren't what I expect it to be (hey, the world doesn't revolve around me), but I don't want it to be gone. People might think that I have moved on from that bitter episode. That I have let go of something I shouldn't even be in at the young age of 15. Heck no. If you are reading this, you should know who you are. You should know that I would wait for the day when you'll no longer be single. With me or not, I will wait. But if it ain't me, that's where I'll force myself to move on no matter how much it hurts.
"I don't know where you're going, or when you're coming home, I left the keys under the mat to our front door, for one more chance to hold you close"
It's no doubt that its been a crazy and stressful year so far. There are times when I actually feel like giving up and just committing suicide or running away. But I can't. Can't bring myself to do those things. There is a wall in me that was built with all the hard work, love, and the bond of friendship and trust that I have placed on my friends since last year started and there is either no way that I'm gonna destroy it, or it is gonna take a whole HECK of a force to bring it down. Personally, it is the most valuable thing that I treasure since being changed. I love the 5 people that was there for me more than anyone else in this world and I mean it. Although there are times when I felt that I was alone, I knew that they do care about me. Something that is rare in my life. To know that someone actually cares for you. To acknowledge the fact that someone cares for you. For all I know, the whole world might be caring for me, but either I don't see it, or, they've been doing it secretly. But I doubt that the whole "caring for you secretly since DEPRESSION" is gonna help me. What if I feel alone and these people "secretly care for me"? I won't know that they actually care. I'd rather stick to people who show it. It's not about being ungrateful. It's about knowing for real who your friends are.
If I had a choice, I would prefer to re-live last year. 2011. Form 3. PMR year. There is something about it that changed my whole life. But now, its changing back. Possibly worse as I grow older. Come 18 years of age and I would be free to drink and smoke. Tempted to drink. Smoke? Heck no. There's a part of me that won't let go no matter how hard I try. It always comes back like a lost puppy. I know it's gonna get me 'killed' if I hold on too long and if the results aren't what I expect it to be (hey, the world doesn't revolve around me), but I don't want it to be gone. People might think that I have moved on from that bitter episode. That I have let go of something I shouldn't even be in at the young age of 15. Heck no. If you are reading this, you should know who you are. You should know that I would wait for the day when you'll no longer be single. With me or not, I will wait. But if it ain't me, that's where I'll force myself to move on no matter how much it hurts.
"I don't know where you're going, or when you're coming home, I left the keys under the mat to our front door, for one more chance to hold you close"
It's no doubt that its been a crazy and stressful year so far. There are times when I actually feel like giving up and just committing suicide or running away. But I can't. Can't bring myself to do those things. There is a wall in me that was built with all the hard work, love, and the bond of friendship and trust that I have placed on my friends since last year started and there is either no way that I'm gonna destroy it, or it is gonna take a whole HECK of a force to bring it down. Personally, it is the most valuable thing that I treasure since being changed. I love the 5 people that was there for me more than anyone else in this world and I mean it. Although there are times when I felt that I was alone, I knew that they do care about me. Something that is rare in my life. To know that someone actually cares for you. To acknowledge the fact that someone cares for you. For all I know, the whole world might be caring for me, but either I don't see it, or, they've been doing it secretly. But I doubt that the whole "caring for you secretly since DEPRESSION" is gonna help me. What if I feel alone and these people "secretly care for me"? I won't know that they actually care. I'd rather stick to people who show it. It's not about being ungrateful. It's about knowing for real who your friends are.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Shhh..
2011 hasn't been a good year, at least in my life. There seems to be more downs than ups in my life. Each time my life went downhill, I'd try to focus on using all MY strength to get myself out. I relied on myself. There are times when I'd get back up, but most of the time, I didn't. By then I would be really mentally and emotionally exhausted. I always thought that God wasn't there to answer my prayers and to hear my cries. Truth is, it wasn't Him that wasn't there. It was me. I found out that my heart has been closed to the fact that my Father is able to help. I'd cry for His help, but I didn't bother to actually CRY for His help. I didn't pray, I didn't listen, I didn't keep still for Him to speak to me. Every time, it would be a "God, help me", and that is it. I didn't even expect Him to help me. I just said the words. End of story. Fullstop.
Things began to get more complicated towards the end of 2011. The day came when the stress was too much for me. I "broke under pressure". The hurtful things of the past began to catch up with me. Everything that people said against me, everything that people did against me, the memories began to flood my mind. I used to be slightly suicidal before. It came back to me. (I used to do stupid stuff like self hurt just to "feel better". The scars remain). I wanted to give up on life.
One afternoon, I said "God, I have had enough. I don't know what have I done to deserve this, but I want it gone. Show me that You are still looking after me. Show me that You still care for me in this life. I want to cry; to release everything inside, and to know that You are still up there watching over me." Less than 10 minutes later, I was on my bed, reading a message on my phone. I began tearing up. Not because of the content of the message. I don't know why either. No emotions, no feelings. Just started to cry. I don't cry much. As much as I wanted to, I can't. But that day, the Lord made it happen. I just cried for some unknown reason. It was after that time that I realised that God is still there for me.
Since that incident till now, my life has been changed to focus more on Him. I am beginning to go back to Him. The incident happened recently, just a few days back. I have learned many things since then. I don't know about the others, but each day I feel something in me pulling me to "do something". When I heard the pastors and speakers preach about 2012 being a "good year", I didn't think much about it. But now, I did. I didn't have visions or a small, still voice for God to speak to me. I just felt this "pull". And I believe, 2012 is really gonna be a good year. I don't know how, but its gonna be a good year.
1 Kings 19:11-13
The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.
When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"
Be still and know that God is near, and He will speak to you. God bless you all.
Things began to get more complicated towards the end of 2011. The day came when the stress was too much for me. I "broke under pressure". The hurtful things of the past began to catch up with me. Everything that people said against me, everything that people did against me, the memories began to flood my mind. I used to be slightly suicidal before. It came back to me. (I used to do stupid stuff like self hurt just to "feel better". The scars remain). I wanted to give up on life.
One afternoon, I said "God, I have had enough. I don't know what have I done to deserve this, but I want it gone. Show me that You are still looking after me. Show me that You still care for me in this life. I want to cry; to release everything inside, and to know that You are still up there watching over me." Less than 10 minutes later, I was on my bed, reading a message on my phone. I began tearing up. Not because of the content of the message. I don't know why either. No emotions, no feelings. Just started to cry. I don't cry much. As much as I wanted to, I can't. But that day, the Lord made it happen. I just cried for some unknown reason. It was after that time that I realised that God is still there for me.
Since that incident till now, my life has been changed to focus more on Him. I am beginning to go back to Him. The incident happened recently, just a few days back. I have learned many things since then. I don't know about the others, but each day I feel something in me pulling me to "do something". When I heard the pastors and speakers preach about 2012 being a "good year", I didn't think much about it. But now, I did. I didn't have visions or a small, still voice for God to speak to me. I just felt this "pull". And I believe, 2012 is really gonna be a good year. I don't know how, but its gonna be a good year.
1 Kings 19:11-13
The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by."
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.
When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Then a voice said to him, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"
Be still and know that God is near, and He will speak to you. God bless you all.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
For a Change
My life wasn't exactly a bed of roses. Nope. Not really. Either I'm weak, or I have too many problems in the small 2 hands that I have. But whatever or however much I struggle everyday, my life was always about me, me and more of me. No God. Haven't considered much about the Big One above except for the occasional "Why God? Why me?". And I guess enough was enough. I'd leave Him out in the open long enough. I've fought my so-called wars myself long enough.
When someone I hold close to my heart decided to "get a break", I did the same routined "Why God? Why me?" sentence. Visualize this; I'm in my own home, and God is there, outside, knocking at my door. When this problem presented itself to me, by asking Him why, instead of opening the door and letting Him in, I just did what I always did. That is, to leave the door ajar instead of letting Him in. But this time, no way. He came in, by showing me something. That problem I talked about depressed me. And so, before deactivating my facebook account temporarily, I asked God to make me cry. I don't care what reason. Just let me cry. Less than 10 minutes later, while reading my messages, I just broke down. I didn't know why. I just did. From there, He changed my life. Bit by bit. All because of a cry. All because of a few tears and sobs. I cried like a baby... And what prolonged the tear-dropping was the fact that MY OWN GOD ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY FOR NO REASON.. Think about it. It's just....wonderful. I don't know about you guys, but I am awestruck.. So anyways, here's how He came back... Or rather, how I came back to my Father. For He doesn't leave..
So right now, a few days after the change, I am here, blogging again. I am praying again, reading the Bible again, and basically, rebuilding my foundation again, this time, on stone and not on sand. Praise God.. Not focusing much on love with the girl I love now, but I hope that she will see the change in me and I pray, she will be the one God has in mind for me. ANYWAYS, old habits do die hard, and by old habits here, I mean the bad ones. Its so much easier to live a life that has no rules. Do what you want, enjoy it.. True.. But given a choice between a life that's "free" and without faith to guide me and a life that is not "free" but with faith, I'd pick the latter. "Free".. Notice the quote mark? So called freedom. As I said, old, bad habits die hard. But I'm trying my best for 2 reasons. First, for my own good. Second, for her to see the change that she may understand that I am changed as promised.
No lovey dovey stuff till after SPM, that's what I know. That's what she told me. I pray that she would be the one for me, honestly. There's something about this girl that's different from all the others. Maybe because she 'saved' me from being totally heartless.. I don't know. She really means a lot to me.. Still, if anything happens, I know you are reading this, but if you don't think I'm gonna be the one that will be living under the same roof as you in the future, just make sure, you don't forget me as someone you can totally rely on. :) I'll be there as your best friend.. haha.. The weird stuffs about love.. Nobody understands.... Forget what I wrote here.. Just have to remember that I'll be there for you no matter what aight.. :)
When someone I hold close to my heart decided to "get a break", I did the same routined "Why God? Why me?" sentence. Visualize this; I'm in my own home, and God is there, outside, knocking at my door. When this problem presented itself to me, by asking Him why, instead of opening the door and letting Him in, I just did what I always did. That is, to leave the door ajar instead of letting Him in. But this time, no way. He came in, by showing me something. That problem I talked about depressed me. And so, before deactivating my facebook account temporarily, I asked God to make me cry. I don't care what reason. Just let me cry. Less than 10 minutes later, while reading my messages, I just broke down. I didn't know why. I just did. From there, He changed my life. Bit by bit. All because of a cry. All because of a few tears and sobs. I cried like a baby... And what prolonged the tear-dropping was the fact that MY OWN GOD ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY FOR NO REASON.. Think about it. It's just....wonderful. I don't know about you guys, but I am awestruck.. So anyways, here's how He came back... Or rather, how I came back to my Father. For He doesn't leave..
So right now, a few days after the change, I am here, blogging again. I am praying again, reading the Bible again, and basically, rebuilding my foundation again, this time, on stone and not on sand. Praise God.. Not focusing much on love with the girl I love now, but I hope that she will see the change in me and I pray, she will be the one God has in mind for me. ANYWAYS, old habits do die hard, and by old habits here, I mean the bad ones. Its so much easier to live a life that has no rules. Do what you want, enjoy it.. True.. But given a choice between a life that's "free" and without faith to guide me and a life that is not "free" but with faith, I'd pick the latter. "Free".. Notice the quote mark? So called freedom. As I said, old, bad habits die hard. But I'm trying my best for 2 reasons. First, for my own good. Second, for her to see the change that she may understand that I am changed as promised.
No lovey dovey stuff till after SPM, that's what I know. That's what she told me. I pray that she would be the one for me, honestly. There's something about this girl that's different from all the others. Maybe because she 'saved' me from being totally heartless.. I don't know. She really means a lot to me.. Still, if anything happens, I know you are reading this, but if you don't think I'm gonna be the one that will be living under the same roof as you in the future, just make sure, you don't forget me as someone you can totally rely on. :) I'll be there as your best friend.. haha.. The weird stuffs about love.. Nobody understands.... Forget what I wrote here.. Just have to remember that I'll be there for you no matter what aight.. :)
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Forgive me.
Whatever that life teaches you, learn from it. Cause if you don't, each repetition of the same mistake will result in punishments being worse than before. Here's my story;
I know you told me that many times, to not leave you alone and to not make myself far away from you. Here's the whole reason why I did that. I don't want people to start making matters worse. I do want to be with you every moment I get. It hurts a lot when I know that you are under great pressure to complete and make perfect every task given to you. For that, I do want to be your comforting friend, your shoulder to cry on and to be your listening ear. I could have done all that. But I didn't, and that was a mistake on my side. I was afraid of the crowd. I was afraid of what they would think and do. I don't want to leave you out in my conversations. I could have included you in all of it, but I was afraid of the crowd. I am being honest. That 3 days of being in camp hurt a lot. Not because of you, but because of me. I dared not talk to you much. And all I dared to do was to steal a few glances toward you. I'm sorry I didn't manage to make you feel 'connected' to me. I'll try again. I don't want to lose you again. I know patience is running out on your side. If there's one thing I hope you understand, it would be the fact that I haven't actually loved anyone as much as I did for you for quite some time. I guessed I forgot. That's why I get paranoid sometimes when you are away on a holiday or something. It's because I don't want to lose anyone again. Please know that you are the only person that got my full attention. I just need time, and some guidance on how to love. Loving for dummies if you prefer. I know that you are disappointed with me. I am, too. The whole day my mind was thinking about what I should have done when we we had some time alone. If you think that I am distancing myself from you because of another girl, please throw that thought away. I am not in love or having any crush on any girl. I did so only because of the crowd. I was afraid. But I hope you guide me through this. Or at least, give me a little more time. I didn't know the boundary between the time we should spend being together, and the time you should have with your friends. I was afraid I took too much of your time and leaving you with less time with your friends. I was afraid of being selfish.
I know I can only comfort through words. Through actions, I don't know how. I hope you guide me again. How? Just sit there beside you and be quiet? Talk to you? Give you a hug? Place my hand on your shoulder to let you know I'm there for you? It hurt me to see you break down under pressure. It hurt me to see you unhappy. I always try to bring your spirits up. Words seems to be the easiest way for me because it worked for me when I was in the same condition. Although it hurt to see you down, please, don't hide your true emotions from me. If you are sad, cry. If you are angry, vent. If you are happy, smile. If you are afraid, scream. Again, I hope you remind me of the things I need to do whenever you are down. Love in my life is still a baby. I've been stone cold and hard hearted since 2 years back. It killed Love. But now you came and changed my views on life. Love was born again, in my words. It's still a baby.
If you are having any doubts about my sincerity, I hope I can throw it away in this post. I love you. I still do. As much as before. No, I am not looking at other girls. You knew me as a guy who is honest and loyal. I hope you still know me as that same person. I am. That is the reason why I don't want to lose you. It made my days dark before, during the first time after the break. I don't want to 'die'. I just hope you give me guidance and time to play my part as a man. Today wasn't a good day. As much as the truth hurt, it made me happy to know that you have been honest. Please, don't leave me for not being able to get closer to you. I am trying. I still hold you very close to my heart. I still love you. I wish you would know what I had planned for one of the coming days when we get to meet again. But it would have to be a surprise, and I hope you like it. It would be one of my first efforts after this lesson learnt. It's very simple, but I hope you understand. Please don't get mad at me for distancing myself from you. I am sorry for doing that. Please don't leave me. That's all I'm afraid of.
Fish.
I know you told me that many times, to not leave you alone and to not make myself far away from you. Here's the whole reason why I did that. I don't want people to start making matters worse. I do want to be with you every moment I get. It hurts a lot when I know that you are under great pressure to complete and make perfect every task given to you. For that, I do want to be your comforting friend, your shoulder to cry on and to be your listening ear. I could have done all that. But I didn't, and that was a mistake on my side. I was afraid of the crowd. I was afraid of what they would think and do. I don't want to leave you out in my conversations. I could have included you in all of it, but I was afraid of the crowd. I am being honest. That 3 days of being in camp hurt a lot. Not because of you, but because of me. I dared not talk to you much. And all I dared to do was to steal a few glances toward you. I'm sorry I didn't manage to make you feel 'connected' to me. I'll try again. I don't want to lose you again. I know patience is running out on your side. If there's one thing I hope you understand, it would be the fact that I haven't actually loved anyone as much as I did for you for quite some time. I guessed I forgot. That's why I get paranoid sometimes when you are away on a holiday or something. It's because I don't want to lose anyone again. Please know that you are the only person that got my full attention. I just need time, and some guidance on how to love. Loving for dummies if you prefer. I know that you are disappointed with me. I am, too. The whole day my mind was thinking about what I should have done when we we had some time alone. If you think that I am distancing myself from you because of another girl, please throw that thought away. I am not in love or having any crush on any girl. I did so only because of the crowd. I was afraid. But I hope you guide me through this. Or at least, give me a little more time. I didn't know the boundary between the time we should spend being together, and the time you should have with your friends. I was afraid I took too much of your time and leaving you with less time with your friends. I was afraid of being selfish.
I know I can only comfort through words. Through actions, I don't know how. I hope you guide me again. How? Just sit there beside you and be quiet? Talk to you? Give you a hug? Place my hand on your shoulder to let you know I'm there for you? It hurt me to see you break down under pressure. It hurt me to see you unhappy. I always try to bring your spirits up. Words seems to be the easiest way for me because it worked for me when I was in the same condition. Although it hurt to see you down, please, don't hide your true emotions from me. If you are sad, cry. If you are angry, vent. If you are happy, smile. If you are afraid, scream. Again, I hope you remind me of the things I need to do whenever you are down. Love in my life is still a baby. I've been stone cold and hard hearted since 2 years back. It killed Love. But now you came and changed my views on life. Love was born again, in my words. It's still a baby.
If you are having any doubts about my sincerity, I hope I can throw it away in this post. I love you. I still do. As much as before. No, I am not looking at other girls. You knew me as a guy who is honest and loyal. I hope you still know me as that same person. I am. That is the reason why I don't want to lose you. It made my days dark before, during the first time after the break. I don't want to 'die'. I just hope you give me guidance and time to play my part as a man. Today wasn't a good day. As much as the truth hurt, it made me happy to know that you have been honest. Please, don't leave me for not being able to get closer to you. I am trying. I still hold you very close to my heart. I still love you. I wish you would know what I had planned for one of the coming days when we get to meet again. But it would have to be a surprise, and I hope you like it. It would be one of my first efforts after this lesson learnt. It's very simple, but I hope you understand. Please don't get mad at me for distancing myself from you. I am sorry for doing that. Please don't leave me. That's all I'm afraid of.
Fish.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Walking Thoughts
To anyone who'd bother to read, this was what happened to me.
Friday, and it is during the holidays. So I went to House of Hope. And this time, after playing and all, around 6, I decided to walk all the way home instead of having my parents to fetch me. It was a 5km walk, more or less, I am not sure. But one thing I knew, that is, I want to walk to just stay healthy. That was my aim.
They say "When a woman is quiet, she's angry. But when a man is quiet, he's thinking". I don't know about women, cause naturally, I'm not one. But since I am a man *ahem*, I can prove that the second statement is not rubbish. Yes, Throughout the whole journey, I was thinking. About House of Hope, and similar organizations meant to help those in need. "The Least", as society calls them. These people have either very little, or nothing at all. I've come to realise that those in the higher levels of society seem to think of them as "brats", "useless", and etc. Its not entirely their fault that they are unfortunate. In some cases, it's not their fault at all. For instance, a kid begging by the roadside. Who knows, months before, he was a top scorer in school until someone in his class found out he had AIDS all because of his parents' activities. And now, people discriminate him. Well, that was just an example. But see the whole story of how some people are not at fault when they're unfortunate? And for that, the another thing I realised is that those who are discriminated for being "The Least", they tend to be more helpful. After all, I'm just another life that people don't give a flying flip about. So, why not help others who are in need and see if I can get that assumption that I'm a brat off... Or die trying. I'm not saying that all those who are better off are not helpful, but rather, there are more of the less fortunate who are more willing to help. From what I see, I'd say its because they want the social discrimination against them to be gone. But now, currently, there's one point I want to focus on. That has something to do with what I know God has planned my life for.
These people, I like to assume, are willing to die helping than to die by the roadside. If that is the case, I can relate to them. I too, would like to die helping them, not die rich and with my stomach filled with my favourite food. No. What I've always thought about my life is that it is in a way, nothing compared to the whole world. I'm not trying to say that my life is meaningless and that I am about to jump off a bridge after this post. I am trying to say that if I were to die helping at least more than one life, then I consider my mission accomplished when I die. It isn't impossible. Let's go back in time. Jesus saved the WHOLE WORLD when He died. Because of it, we, the Gentiles, are allowed to heaven. Not just the Jews. What about the one life that changed the modern world. I would say Steve Jobs. One life. All it takes is just one person, who is willing to make a difference, and that's it. I believe, that my one life, will be able to impact more than 1 life in this world. If I were to die rescuing victims of a landslide, so be it. I know that I am to go for missions. To be a missionary. I am not sure if I am going to be a preacher or something else. My communicating skills are bad. I don't interact much. But I know that I have a strong passion for medical situations. Whatever the cause. Don't get me? Well, picture me in a medical tent in the middle of a war torn country. Picture me being with the medical team in one of the country's or organisation's relief teams. Picture me in the ER. But being in the ER is not what I want. I don't like being stuck in a place. But if that's the way it should be, so be it. I just know, that my one life, is able to help others. To help The Least, be The Most. I place my trust on God. What are you gonna do with your life? Think about it.
Friday, and it is during the holidays. So I went to House of Hope. And this time, after playing and all, around 6, I decided to walk all the way home instead of having my parents to fetch me. It was a 5km walk, more or less, I am not sure. But one thing I knew, that is, I want to walk to just stay healthy. That was my aim.
They say "When a woman is quiet, she's angry. But when a man is quiet, he's thinking". I don't know about women, cause naturally, I'm not one. But since I am a man *ahem*, I can prove that the second statement is not rubbish. Yes, Throughout the whole journey, I was thinking. About House of Hope, and similar organizations meant to help those in need. "The Least", as society calls them. These people have either very little, or nothing at all. I've come to realise that those in the higher levels of society seem to think of them as "brats", "useless", and etc. Its not entirely their fault that they are unfortunate. In some cases, it's not their fault at all. For instance, a kid begging by the roadside. Who knows, months before, he was a top scorer in school until someone in his class found out he had AIDS all because of his parents' activities. And now, people discriminate him. Well, that was just an example. But see the whole story of how some people are not at fault when they're unfortunate? And for that, the another thing I realised is that those who are discriminated for being "The Least", they tend to be more helpful. After all, I'm just another life that people don't give a flying flip about. So, why not help others who are in need and see if I can get that assumption that I'm a brat off... Or die trying. I'm not saying that all those who are better off are not helpful, but rather, there are more of the less fortunate who are more willing to help. From what I see, I'd say its because they want the social discrimination against them to be gone. But now, currently, there's one point I want to focus on. That has something to do with what I know God has planned my life for.
These people, I like to assume, are willing to die helping than to die by the roadside. If that is the case, I can relate to them. I too, would like to die helping them, not die rich and with my stomach filled with my favourite food. No. What I've always thought about my life is that it is in a way, nothing compared to the whole world. I'm not trying to say that my life is meaningless and that I am about to jump off a bridge after this post. I am trying to say that if I were to die helping at least more than one life, then I consider my mission accomplished when I die. It isn't impossible. Let's go back in time. Jesus saved the WHOLE WORLD when He died. Because of it, we, the Gentiles, are allowed to heaven. Not just the Jews. What about the one life that changed the modern world. I would say Steve Jobs. One life. All it takes is just one person, who is willing to make a difference, and that's it. I believe, that my one life, will be able to impact more than 1 life in this world. If I were to die rescuing victims of a landslide, so be it. I know that I am to go for missions. To be a missionary. I am not sure if I am going to be a preacher or something else. My communicating skills are bad. I don't interact much. But I know that I have a strong passion for medical situations. Whatever the cause. Don't get me? Well, picture me in a medical tent in the middle of a war torn country. Picture me being with the medical team in one of the country's or organisation's relief teams. Picture me in the ER. But being in the ER is not what I want. I don't like being stuck in a place. But if that's the way it should be, so be it. I just know, that my one life, is able to help others. To help The Least, be The Most. I place my trust on God. What are you gonna do with your life? Think about it.
Friday, November 25, 2011
From me, To you ♥
Never thought that I'd be this love-struck boy. Who'd ever think that this big guy with a small heart will and can find love? No one. Closing my heart to the world, to my family, to my friends, and sometimes, to myself is really tiring. There are many times when I just wanted to open up about everything to everyone whether they bother to listen or not. And yet, like what my previous pastor said, once you've been hurt, you tend to build a wall guarding your heart to prevent any hurt. So I've been hurt a lot. But that don't mean I MUST put up a wall right? Wrong. I always keep my head up high when asked about my life. I love it. At least, that was what I thought. Every strand of hair said I loved my life. Every skin cell on my body said the same. But deep in my heart, I knew it wasn't. I've set up a wall, and I'm fiercely guarding it. I've become my own master and dog. Dare you enter, death is near. Well, maybe not death, but hell.
Then came this girl. Aihhhhh ;). No, listen you idiots. Listen first.
This girl, she'd probably notice this post and know that its her anyway. But for you idiots who might be reading, she was a great person to know. In under a year, we were best friends. I found myself opening the gates of my fortified heart to her. Everything I kept, I shared with her. Pain, joy, laughter, tears. She's made sure I don't suffer alone. And I make sure of the same too. Love? Brotherly-Sisterly love? I would say so. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Till now, I don't find that phrase applicable in my case. For me, the way to my heart, is through love shown. And she's done it. She's shown love. She's entered my heart. And she did it the right way. Many great men from the past found their weaknesses in the women that are in their lives. I'm not trying to say that I'm great. But hey, I'm a young man aight. It's not the end of the story yet. Many great men of the past fall because of the women in their life. This ain't the case for me. Take Samson and Delilah for example. Samson fell because Delilah knew his secret to his strength. But this girl, till now, she knows what breaks me down and what brings me up, but she still didn't use that knowledge for her advantage. That's why I love her. Aihhhhhh;). Listen before you jump to conclusions you fool.
Being the only girl that manages to connect to me, it wouldn't be wrong to call her my sister. And yet, there's something more that I am feeling. Aihhhhhh;). Listen you fool. That bond between me and her is strong. To the point where even just not talking to each other for a day would make me worry like mad. Worry?? What for? It's not like she's gonna be harmed or something. You'll understand when you hold someone so close to your heart. It's hard to explain. This. Love. Is. Real.
She's opened my heart. She's gone through all the fortifications. She's killed the guards. She's gone past the traps. She accepted me in my worst and my best. She's been there for me. She's set me free. And I believe, I truly believe, that it was God who had sent her to me. God bless you, dear one. Thanks a lot, from me :) This post is dedicated to you and its one of the smallest Thank Yous that I can offer. I Love You
Then came this girl. Aihhhhh ;). No, listen you idiots. Listen first.
This girl, she'd probably notice this post and know that its her anyway. But for you idiots who might be reading, she was a great person to know. In under a year, we were best friends. I found myself opening the gates of my fortified heart to her. Everything I kept, I shared with her. Pain, joy, laughter, tears. She's made sure I don't suffer alone. And I make sure of the same too. Love? Brotherly-Sisterly love? I would say so. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Till now, I don't find that phrase applicable in my case. For me, the way to my heart, is through love shown. And she's done it. She's shown love. She's entered my heart. And she did it the right way. Many great men from the past found their weaknesses in the women that are in their lives. I'm not trying to say that I'm great. But hey, I'm a young man aight. It's not the end of the story yet. Many great men of the past fall because of the women in their life. This ain't the case for me. Take Samson and Delilah for example. Samson fell because Delilah knew his secret to his strength. But this girl, till now, she knows what breaks me down and what brings me up, but she still didn't use that knowledge for her advantage. That's why I love her. Aihhhhhh;). Listen before you jump to conclusions you fool.
Being the only girl that manages to connect to me, it wouldn't be wrong to call her my sister. And yet, there's something more that I am feeling. Aihhhhhh;). Listen you fool. That bond between me and her is strong. To the point where even just not talking to each other for a day would make me worry like mad. Worry?? What for? It's not like she's gonna be harmed or something. You'll understand when you hold someone so close to your heart. It's hard to explain. This. Love. Is. Real.
She's opened my heart. She's gone through all the fortifications. She's killed the guards. She's gone past the traps. She accepted me in my worst and my best. She's been there for me. She's set me free. And I believe, I truly believe, that it was God who had sent her to me. God bless you, dear one. Thanks a lot, from me :) This post is dedicated to you and its one of the smallest Thank Yous that I can offer. I Love You
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